English 313
Professor Wexler
20 September 2010
Romance at Starbucks
When the word “romance” is uttered it conjures up a different mental picture for each individual. Some see candle lit dinners and long walks on the beach others see heart break and deception. Some may claim that they “see” nothing because romance is non-existent. The majority of us though, walk around with preconceived notions about romance, and the meanings we attribute to it are often quite clichéd. But, what exactly is romance? Is there any way for us to put “romance” in a petri dish for analysis? This weekend I sat at a local Starbucks attempting to do just that. Like a Sasquatch enthusiast I was on the hunt for this elusive idea of “romance”. I focused on identifying romance/love and its manifestations in the relationships of those who walked through the door.
Like a professional amateur I studied people as they interacted with one another and among the numerous individuals there one particular case caught my attention. I focused on a woman in her late forties and her friend of about the same age sitting at the table next to me. They appeared to be close friends and the first (who we will call Mrs. X) was relating the conflicts of her married life to her friend. As the Mrs. X began talking, her relationship with her husband Sam seemed normative enough. Mrs. X discussed how Sam was supportive and did his part around the house. She discussed how he avoided conflicts as much as possible and described him by saying “My husband deals with the unpleasantness of life with brainless activity, he plays video games or buys new properties to restore them and stay busy”. Sam seems like the passive husband and as she described him I couldn’t help but think about Bricks character in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. The way that Brick deals with the unpleasantness in his life is by dousing it in alcohol in an attempt to numb it. As I would learn later, rather than turning to alcohol Sam turned to nicotine as his method of dealing with the preoccupations that filled his mind.
As Mrs. X continued to talk about her husband the one thing that struck me as non-normative in their relationship was the reversal of the gender roles still widely held by society. Sam is a stay at home Dad and she is the one who goes to work. She went into detail telling her friend how every day she comes home and dinner is on the table, the dishes are all done and how she can’t even remember the last time she went grocery shopping. A bit exasperated she tells her friend how “This was the kind of help I needed when the kids were young, you know…He smokes a lot now”. Throughout this discourse I sensed a disconnect between Sam and his wife and learned that the disconnect had to do with their prodigal drug addicted son Danny. She described this rift as the biggest problem in their household, yet it was something that Sam refused to acknowledge and address. She was frustrated by Sam’s inaction but resorted to telling her friend about this rather than him.
As I listened I began to wonder, if her relationship with her husband is so unsatisfactory why does she remain bound to him? What is holding her in that relationship, could it be love? Simone de Beauvoir would argue that the reason these two remain bound has more to do with biology rather than a four-letter word. In her book The Second Sex Beauvoir explores how women are bound to men in a master/slave relationship. Though women remain oppressed under this relationship they fail to break the yoke because they have not realized that they are just as important as men. Just as the master is nothing without the slave the man is nothing without the woman. The reason that women cannot completely sever themselves from men is because without both parts of the equation there cannot be procreation. Beauvoir describes this dilemma by stating
“..the woman cannot even dream of exterminating the males. The bond that unites her to her oppressors is not comparable to any other. The division of the sexes is a biological facet, not an event in history. Male and female stand opposed within a primordial Mitsein, and woman has not broken it. The couple is a fundamental unity with its two halves riveted together, and the cleavage of society along the line of sex is impossible. Here is to be found the basic trait of woman: she is the Other in a totality of which the two components are necessary to one another.” (Beauvoir, 1949).
Therefore the reason that Sam and his Wife are still together is not because they are in love with one another and any notions of romance go out the window. The reason that Sam and Mrs. X are still together is because of their children. The product of their biological connection is what unifies them and perpetuates this master/slave relationship. Looking at this vicious cycle one has to wonder who is being served by this relationship and how it is that it continues? As we discussed the article “The politics of culture” we came to the conclusion that culture easily becomes a means of domination. Looking at the story of Mrs. X and Sam I saw the same culture of the “happy housewife” that Anne Archer represented in the film Fatal Attraction. Though I heard no complaints of infidelity Mrs. X remains bound in a marriage in which she feels unfulfilled yet does nothing about it for fear of what others will think. Bent on keeping up appearances she chooses keep up the charade that serves the powers that be.
Works Cited
Rivkin, Julie and Ryan Michael. Literary Theory: An Anthology. Malden: Blackwell, 1998.
de Beauvoir, Simone. The Second Sex. France: 1949.
thesunblog.com
Observations
Starbucks: Van Nuys 12:11pm
Two women talking @ table next to me about letter from long lost relative:
“Answer to every troubled man is his woman”
“My husband deals with the unpleasantness of life with brainless activity, he plays video games or buys new properties to restore them and stay busy
she comes home and dinner is on the table, the dishes are all done and how she can’t even remember the last time she went grocery shopping
“This was the kind of help I needed when the kids were young, you know…He smokes a lot now”.
My frustration has little to do with his inaction my frustration and the biggest problem in our household is Danny
Danny has “amputated” himself from family, swore they would never see him again and kept his word
Mrs. X claim that only regret in life is how she and Sam put son out
Couple walks in interracial
Couple walks in smiling wearing working out clothes
no wedding rings., woman significantly younger man graying hair
Woman’s daughter about 7 or 8 yrs old
Completely absorbed with each other, man stroking her hair as daughter vies for mothers attention, mother indifferent to daughter
Married couple
walk in with young daughter abt 2 or 3 sit at separate couches in own world, Father absorbed taking care of daughter
Another couple
young woman and older looking man:
Woman attempting to keep his attention, leaning forward showing him pictures
He appears distant, uninterested ready to go
No wedding rings
Group of three:
Two are a couple and third is friend
The couple sit @ table together he has laptop out and she’s absorbed in cell phone
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